Completely off Topic for me

I was home sick yesterday - a stomach virus of sorts.  All day long I was watching TV, and countless commericals for Oprah appeared.  Oprah was having a epiphany for weight loss, her guest's book gave it to her.  I thought, oh good, maybe an answer for me.  Lately my weightloss journey has stalled and died.  My current weight is 250 pounds.  I have been going to Weight Watchers for 7 straight years - when I started I weighed 248.  Now during that time period I did loose 50 pounds, but slowly gained it all back.  I keep saying that I don't leave because I am stubborn, somewhere along the way I will get it. I do.  I know how to loose weight.  I do have thyroid problems but I am on synthoroid, so they say its under control.  But sometime I doubt that.  There are those days I feel so sluggish and so bloated I know it has to be off.  But when I get the blood test it is usually when I am feeling fine. 

So who was the guess you ask, or maybe you saw it,  Geneen Roth and her book Women, food and God.

Here is where you can see Oprah's epiphany -  http://www.tvsquad.com/2010/05/12/oprah-winfrey-reveals-an-epiphany-to-her-audience-video/

In the beginning of the show I thought, maybe I should buy this book, but it doesn't contain anything I really don't know already, I still might buy it, but I had my own epiphany of sorts.

I thought this morning - my problem is Candy - I love candy - I eat candy - I dream candy.  The rest of the day I eat so healthy.  I eat a low fat, high fiber diet, trying to watch my sugar until suddenly - I am BEZERK and I need candy.  So I went way back - when did it start.

When I was a child I would come home from school looking for the afternoon snack I lived with my Grandmother, Attilla the Hun, and she would give me candy.  I realize this morning that I really really equated that candy with comfort and love.  My grandmother was stuck with me.  My parents divorced when I was a baby and I never met my father.  My mother left me at my grandmother's and grandfathers when I was in about 3rd grade.  My Grandfather was my saving grace, there I felt love but he died on cancer when I was in sixth grade.

I would sometimes eat a whole sleeve of Mallo cups after school.  Or a couple packs of yodels, and then here is where the catch 22 comes, the heavier I got the more jokes about me that would happen, the more jokes the less I felt love, the more candy I ate for comfort.

Here is another epiphany when your overweight there seems to be interventions by family and friends so concerned over you weight, but all you would need is a - "hey I love you".  Instead of "you eat too much" "we are worried"  "your health" yada yada yada.  Even my cardiologists said maybe we should wire your mouth shut - jokenly of course, but that just goes to my brain as another unlove statement.

I had a few good years I was a walker - 4 miles a day - watched what I ate - but why now - why now do I weigh 250.  Then I figured it out.  I am not feeling loved again.  I live with someone for 10 years but we haven't been intimate in about 2 or 3 years, at first it was hard for me, he has heart issue and he says the medication does this to him, he won't talk to the dr.  I know he loves me, but probably way down deep I don't believe it.  Since we stopped having sex, I have gained the weight.  Turning to chocolate instead of kisses.

 So now that I have this answer.....where do I go?  How do I love myself enough to let the candy go?  I mean I love me, I know I do, but how is that good enough.......hmmm....